If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
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Twitter dot com. *sigh*
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”