*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
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“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments