ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
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Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.