how do lawyers not cry when arguing
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*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real