Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT