It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
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Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.