ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
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I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Shower sex be like:
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I feel it
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”