*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
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her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.