date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
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I needed a laugh this morning.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ