87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
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i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
No way!
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?