My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
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*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
No laws when master is gone
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit