*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
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I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it