My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
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It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash