I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
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i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Money is the root of all wealth
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
the council will decide your fate
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”