I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
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ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet