#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
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[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”