(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
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The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
This raises questions
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good