I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
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My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.