“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
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Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.