Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
You Might Also Like
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
smartest karate player in the world
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
The legends speak of a third Duran…
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
My purse is deeper than some people.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala