Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
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Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions