I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
You Might Also Like
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Bootstraps
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped