Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
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i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you