Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
You Might Also Like
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!