[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”