I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
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Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.