I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
You Might Also Like
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners