We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
You Might Also Like
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
The internet is magic sometimes.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off