Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
You Might Also Like
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Batman v Dracula
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.