I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
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“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.