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We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I hope this email finds you in a well
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*