[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose