Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
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The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
What the hell happened here.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.