My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
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WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.