6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
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Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”