Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
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luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.