If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
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Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
The French cow says MEUX…
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life