i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
You Might Also Like
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.