ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
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[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous