While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
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Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?