I want to meet the individual who made this
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Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!