Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
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[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Cake!!
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please