Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
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God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Finally!
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers