I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
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For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on