Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
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My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
OMG 🤣🤣
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Anime is real
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh