Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
You Might Also Like
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Who called it baking and not making love
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
lmao
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*