The symmetry is uncanny.
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Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
#MeanwhileInCanada
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.