Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
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If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
is this how new cars are made??
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.