5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
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*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.