After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
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I wanna be friends with this person
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.